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[ Day -1 | Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 | Sapphire review ]
Day 1: Our first day at the AVN
Since Clyde and I are the lowest rollers in Vegas, we left our sleazy downtown hotel and boarded a bus for the Strip. No limoscenes for the Rancho crew or even taxis. At the Sands Expo Center, we got our press passes (along with writers from "real" publications like Maxim and Showtime) and steadied ourselves for a walk through the biggest pile of pornography to be annually assembled on Planet Earth. Thanks to Adella and the Digital Playground Crew for the press hook-ups (even if there was no food in the press room and we were forced to eat Power Bars for breakfast).
We decided that we'd use our first day at the AVN to get our sealegs and to pick up autographs from all of our favorite pornstars. Believe me when I say this: everyone was there.
Clyde and Nacho Vidal!
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"Holy shit!" I whispered, "It's Nacho!" It was Nacho. He was wearing camoflauge. Clyde and I were secretly worried he might beat us up but later in the day he graciously posed for a picture while making his "Killer Pussy" face. And those scars on his arms? He got those in a motorcycle accident. At least that's what I think he said.
Ah yes, the smell of pornstars in the morning. Until at least noon, a heavenly smell wafted through the air. Was it the pornstars perfume? Their make-up? Alas, we never pinned down the smell because by 1 PM it had been replaced by the BO of sweating fat pornmongering masturbators. I've never been to the AVN before and acutally I nailed down the visitors pretty well. You've got your typical hyperventilating perverts who are just SURE that Asia Carrera wants to talk to them personally. You've got a lot of normal folks wandering around - so if you're contemplating visiting the AVN but aren't sure you'll fit in, don't worry. Everyone from 50 year old housewives to guys with 12 inch mohawks were scanning the booth and the asses in the boothes. And of course, you've got the industry people, people I assosiate with California, though that might be completely wrong.
Belladonna was very nice. She put her finger in JR's ear.
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Anyway, I was a little worried about meeting pornstars in real life. I was concerned that under the bright flourescents they would be ugly, filthy-looking and oily. They weren't. They were double ding hot. And most of them were very gracious and nice. A few, like Domino, didn't even look up as they signed autographs, but I've got to hand it to these brave ladies beause most of them got right in there and bear-hugged even the drooling, mongoloid fans. Belladonna was especially cool to us and even posed with her finger stuck in my ear. It's a strange feeling to be standing next to pornstars and have them rub up against you. I washed my hands a lot all day long.
And, woe, I was cursed all day with this one problem: everytime I waited in line for an autograph there was a pretty good chance the pornstar would leave the booth the instant I got close enough to admire her nipples. This happened twice with Digital Sin's Carmen Luvana (who is very very petite, almost doll-like). And I never could quite run down Michelle Wild, but I guess we will be here for 3 more daze. Pornstars who get the gold medal for being extremely nice as well as fuckable to the max inculded Ann Marie, Ashley Blue in pigtails at the JM booth and Sydnee Steele. Of course, Clyde just HAD to have his picture taken with Ron Jeremy. Ron was hunched over at his table dragging his feet on signing autographs. When Clyde tried to give him some Rancho buttons, Ron didn't want them. We didn't even bother taking a picture. Why should we care about old Ron when he doesn't care that people want to talk to him. "That guy was a fucking asshole!" Clyde was later heard saying to his wife over the cellphone.
There were always girlies at the Private booth signing their little Euro hands off.
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Even funnier is that Ron signed a picture for Clyde and his handwriting was so illegible we spent ten minutes trying to dechiper it. It seems to read "I trust you your suck see." Adella later pointed out that it read "A toast to your suck-sess." Gee thanks, Ron.
Occasionally we conversed with other fans of hardcore pornography. It made Clyde and I feel very very normal. One guy talked incessantly and knew every single movie starring Carmen Luvana. He even asked to walk Carmen to her next appointment (she wisely declined). He also told us that he was staying the rest of the week because one day just wasn't enough time to "check out all the flesh." Well, he was right. Everywhere one turned you got an eyeful of T and A. And at the AVN it's OK to bust out your camera or camcorder and just go to town. You've paid your dough to take pictures of these chicks and it's their day to shine. Everywhere, Asian men in suits shot off roll after roll and then when to jerk off in the bathroom (or was I just imagining that?)
Ann Marie and her friend.
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We ate lunch and man, was the lunch lady pissed off to be working the AVN. Clyde lost a vegetable out of his teriyarki. "There goes 30 cents," he sighed. A plate of food costs about $10 at the AVN and there isn't much selection. Pack a lunch if you can. We spotted Ann Marie in the lunch line. She ordered a hot dog and a Coke. Ann Marie was our favorite for the whole day. Definately very hot and since she's not a megasuperstar yet she took the time to talk to us. Then we got our picture taken with a guy in a pink pig suit with a 2 foot long penis attached to it. I know. It was fucking crazy.
You don't see something this horrible every day... or maybe you do. If so, I pity you.
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The only nudity we saw all day long was a couple of fat chicks with boobs three times bigger than my head. I was expecting a lot of topless girls, but that's not allowed. Strange because there are video monitors all over the place blasted close-up shots of assholes getting battered. Yeah. Who knows.
So, all the major film companies were in attendence with large crazy multimedia booths and the smaller companies (many I'd never heard of) were all represented as well. We stayed until 5:30 wandering around like drunkards. There's even a huge center display by Spearmint Rhino that had dancing girls and loud music all day long. Now that I like. All in all we had a good time and we're sitting here now waiting for our friend to come pick us up for dinner. We're a little disappointed that nobody invited us to any parties, but that's OK. We hate parties.
Tomorrow we're going to try and focus on some of the interesting products that the AVN has to check out: stuff like Pussy Shavers, 3-D video displays and pussy-shaped coin purses. See you then!
-JR
[ Day -1 | Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 | Sapphire review ]
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