by
Roy
This film is shit. And I'll tell ya'll why right now: whoever edited this
cockfest was quite possibly cutting his cocaine with ass lubricant--I can
see his eyes roll into his skull as all that C and ass juice hits his
hypothalamus, rendering him utterly incapable of molding this film into the
great spectacle it might have been. Maybe I'll talk about that. Ah! Who
fucking cares, this is cocksucking pornography for Christ's sake! What you
assholes want is some scene descriptions ...
The movie is broken up into six glorious face-ass-and vaginal fuck sessions
that all occur within the demented and dozing noggin of the at once
beautiful and revolting Kylie Ireland, who spends the bulk of the picture
sitting in front of a flickering television with some unidentifiable goo all
up on her face, lounging in a comfortable armchair after (presumably) her
husband woke her with his snoring. Oh another sleepless night for poor
Kylie.
She first passes out after she haphazardly falls upon an old western movie.
Joel Lawrence and Pat Mine get into a fight over a western bar wench who is
(presumably) Kylie--at least I think it is ... the credits at the end of the
movie do not tell us who this girl is, they expect us to recognize our porn
stars, unfortunately Kylie's heinous goop makes it difficult to label her as
the culprit outright. Joel and Pat, after threatening to beat the unholy
shit out of each other are eased into a compromise (who happens to be
Kylie). They then unsurreptiously rail her in the ass while she cries out
"I'm a fucking whore!" And all problems are solved for our two heroes as
they take turns lobbing their milky gametes all over our bar wench's face.
The next scene finds in ancient Japan, where an old dojo is sitting with a
ludicrous karate champion and his daughter, enjoying the scenery and the
sultry summer breeze when a terrifying black samurai appears from behind the
azalea bushes. Our brave karate master, Brad Armstrong, then uses a crazy
Sub-Zero mortal combat maneuver to leave the evil samurai vanquished in a
puff of smoke. The old dojo gives away his daughter, played by Kianna, so
that she might be hammered to the wall with Armstrong's furious man-shaft.
(Which she then is, as Armstrong's ridiculous lick-on dragon tattoo peals
off his seething epidermis.)
And then there is the Pterodactyl. The Pterodactyl is the greatest actor in
the movie. He is suspended by wires above the heads of two ridiculously
costumed barbarians in ogre attire, waving a fiery stick nymphishly at the
oncoming cretaceous assault. He screams, "SQUAWK !!! SQUAWK !!!" and our
two Neanderthals shudder in their fear. At least the gentleman, Lee Stone,
is appropriately mortified--his cave bitch, however, seems to be smiling
through the entire ordeal. When the fiery stick finally goes out, Lee lets
out a resounding, "URG!" as they head for the hills. At least that was the
plan, but when the dirt encrusted ass of the cave bitch dropped to the
ground--and as she reached under Stone's furry garment for a penis or
pterodactyl repellent or both--a ridiculous and dirty sex scene ensues right
there in the dirt. Of course, because these actors have received training
in Stanislovsky's method, they realized that prehensile humans did not speak
as we do. They obviously grunted to one another in a monosyllabic rage.
Lee arrives with a ferocious "UNG!" as his silky nut juice pours over cave
bitch's delicate mouth. The pterodactyl then makes a return appearance,
forcing our stone-age lovebirds to flee once again.
Kylie awakens momentarily, changes the channel, and we find ourselves in a
mighty chase scene, a struggle between the forces of good and evil. A
terrible clown reject--presumably disgruntled after being axed from the
circus for being a fucking poser--chases Kylie to a shack in the woods at a
snail's pace. Seasons change as the race for survival unfolds before your
disbelieving eyes. Luckily inside the shack is a very nice man who licks
Kylie's chapped rectum and then proceeds to fuck her in it. Unfortunately,
after all is said and done, her brave hero, Kyle Stone, is mangled into
itty-bitties by the devil clowns mighty blade!
The last two scenes can be described like this: the first of the two
involves a man wounded in battle--Jason Mcann--who is discovered by a nurse,
who is played by the baggy titted Terra Part. They fuck. This is all
probably a hallucination in the wounded warriors hemorrhaging brain, and you
know that this love affair will never last as battlefield smoke blankets
their coupled bodies. The second is supposed to be an info-mercial, but
it's really an excuse to add some shitty lesbian hot-tub footage. The
highlight comes when Kylie begs Cherie to plug a sizeable dildo up her tight
buttocks-hole. Cherie finally consents when Kylie tells her, "I'll put the
big one up mine if you plug yourself with this junior-leaguer right here."
And then Kylie wakes up and goes back to bed. In all, once you get past the
editing that leaves blank and unaffected faces screaming for more, as well
as magical bras that cover breasts that have already been revealed, you will
find that this is ultimately about a Pterodactyl on a string frightening
retarded looking pornstars in fuzzy boots.
Rancho Reprise
Roy did such a great job with reviewing this on VHS, that I feel as if I'll be doing nothing for the world by writing about the DVD-ness of Jonathan Morgan's instant classic, "One Sleepless Night."
But I guess it deserves at least SOME recognition. If for nothing else, than for the sheer volume of DVD extras and great surf music that plays nonstop during the menus.
DVD EXTRAS:
All Access - The Making of "One Sleepless Night"
Interview with Kylie Ireland
Interview with Kianna
The girls of "One Sleepless Night
Star Galleries
Behind the Scenes Stills
Audio Bios
Promotional Material
Chapters
Wicked Casino
Wicked Web Hyperlink
Motion Menus
Photo Gallery
AVN Awards Winners and nominations
Company Profile
Trailers
Does ONE SLEEPLESS NIGHT sound like it's
right up your alley? Buy it on
DVD
Cooter the counting cactus says that you are smutmonkey number 4835 to read this Rancho Review.
Reader comments
|
