by
Anon O Pottamus
It's the Matrix meets (or should I say "meats") the domi-matrix. Not really, I've just been waiting to use that pun since I first read about this movie.
Michael Ninn's premiere feature for Private is a glorious mixture of every science fiction movie you've ever seen and every great dirty movie you've ever seen, but harder to understand than the former and slicker than the latter. The cocksucking is slippery and well lit. The orally manipulated vaginas are moist and well groomed. The sex itself is artful, thoughtful and professional. Ninn knows what he's doing with music, and he'll drive you to a frothy frenzy before you can say "Howdy Doodie."
That's an overview of the good news. There's more to get you excited, but first I've got to complain a little... The sound is horrible. I couldn't understand half of what was being said (i know, I know, it's a porno movie, I shouldn't care), and in no time I was fastforwarding through the plot to check out the sex. Just like every other skinflick you watch.
The sex, however, is stellar. It tends to get a little artsy at times, but everyone needs a good tease sometimes rather than some dirty whore fucking her white trash boyfriend in their southern California trailer.
Private has the girls covered (or uncovered I guess), and Ninn has the lighting, angles and everything else well under control. There's enough anal sex here to keep the oldschool Private fans happy, and enough well-kept teeth to keep the oldschool Private detractors happy too.
There are some good special effects too. Not great, but good enough to belong on the early X-Files episodes. But Mulder and Scully never got their own bullet time effects.
Yes, that's right, you heard right, Private features what is, as far as I know, the first ever pornographic use of everyone's favorite overused effect. Just like you've seen in countless commercials and on the Howard Stern show, but enhanced with flying spunk and blossoming breasts.
[I'm not quite done watching the movie yet, but there's a hot midget chick in the beginning. If we see her fuck, I'm gonna give Perfect a 5-star rating. If she stays celibate, We're gonna have to go with 4 stars.]
Covergirl Jodie Moore gets her twat cleaned out in slo-mo while leaning on a dancing pole. I'll take it! THAT is some pretty great shit.
When you see a blonde bombshell get doubly penetrated on a metaphysical altar by Trent Reznor and a demon, and the sex is actually arousing, you KNOW there's something wrong with your brain. Then when she takes mouthfulls of burning hot demon seed and you blow your own wad all over your wife's dirty socks, you know that you've condemned your eternal soul to hell along with that little trollop.
Trent/Satan has some heinous shit happen to him Hellraiser-style as a pre courser to what looks like it's gonna be a great lesbian scene, but ends up having a dick or two in it. Oh well, at least the asshole that gets licked to bits is clean enough to eat your supper off of. And the dildo railing makes me wish that I had a big black leather and rubber penis.
[here's another scene with the midget... no nudity yet, but you can be sure I'll keep you posted]
A white wearing lesbian and a black wearing lesbian taunt our daunting dongs with their taut place for thongs. I've never really been into the idea of gloves being worn when digits are fidgeting with slippery holes, but this scene has that for all of you fetishists out there, as well as a cigarette, so just in case you need that kind of thing to knock your chip off the old block off of his semenal vesicle, here's your chance.
Sex on the beach... Whatever. You KNOW they got sand in their various cracks. I mean, when I go to the beach, it's all I can do to keep sand out of my crack while I'm fully clothed and standing.
The midget never gets nekked, and nothing else mindblowing happens, so my offer of a 4-star review stands.
Rancho Reprise
The collector's edition DVD of Ninn's Perfect is cool enough to garner a 5-star score even though the midget didn't get nekked in the film.
This gloriously packaged 2 disc set will blow your mind. Buy two copies... One for yourself and one for your pornofreak friend with good design sense.
Does PERFECT sound like it's
right up your alley? While we get that in stock check out other Porno flicks like it at our
General Store.
DVD Features Include: extra scene | photoshoot | 70 minute music score | behind the scenes | digital stereo sound | direct access to chapters | fully interactive menus | making of | parental lock | photobook
Running Time: 235 minutes | Production Date: 10-30-2002
Cooter the counting cactus says that you are smutmonkey number 7640 to read this Rancho Review.
DATE POSTED: 12-06-2002
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