by
Crack-Addled Octopus
Now this here is some funny shit. Jade Lo by Legend is as close to humor as I've ever seen a porno come. Forget all those porn "comedies" by big name directors that didn't even make you crack a smile - Jade Lo made me chuckle out loud a few times. It's a faux-documentary of sorts, following the career of Jade Lo (Jewel DeNyle) as she meets people like Shaun Muff-Daddy Holmes, T.V. host Jerry Finger and "Butt Ugly Lesbian" during her rise to fame and glory. Every line is delivered with deadpan brilliance. Even the pornstars, particularly Jewel and Gwen Summers, are funny. No, I'm not kidding. Give them a chance to make fun of themselves and it all works out.
After the narrator Horacio sets the stage for the "Ho-ography," it's off to some fucking. Bridgette Kerkov rails a big ol' penis to the tune of crummy background muzak. The scene's barely started and she's got three fingers in her twat while the meathead sticks two fingers up her backdoor. Even better, while the dude is railing her, she sticks a mammoth rubber dildo right up her ass. Can you say dirty hooker? (At Rancho Carne we say it all the time.) Next Gwen and Jewel "advance their acting skills" in an absolutely hilarious movie clip from "Anacondas." Jewel disappears and Gwen teaches Brett Rockman, a combination native/caveman how to lick her pussy ("Stick out your tongue"). Gwen's looked better, but it's a really funny scene as Brett makes faces like Sloth from Goonies while taking Gwen from behind. Like all the scenes in Jade Lo, Gwen takes an absolute hosing facial at the end of the scene.
Next Jewel fucks Jerry Finger on a bed with semi-believeablity. This is probably the worst scene on the tape. Judging by the sweat running down the woodsman's arm and peppering Jewel's forehead, it must be a hundred damn degrees in that room. But that hardly stops Jewel from going anal. Things get better and better as Jewel impersonates slain Tahitian singer Sabrina (a Selena spoof) as her acting career takes off. At the nightclub, Nikita Denise and Dale DeBone cut some corners and head straight for the anal sex. Nikita, as always, a picture of perfect ass-fucking joy. Slippery close-ups result.
Finally, Chandler slime-fucks some guy in a room full of completely disgusted jurors. They make surprised and horrified faces as Chandle puts her ankles around her head so the penis can slither easily into her ass (I made similar faces). And yes, she gets drenched in jizzum...just for you.
This is some funny shit, I'm telling you. Check it out - good sex and well-written dialogue just can't be beat.
Does JADE LO sound like it's
right up your alley? Buy it on
DVD
Cooter the counting cactus says that you are smutmonkey number 3240 to read this Rancho Review.
DATE POSTED: 05-05-2006
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