Ack Ack Chewahwah
I don't even know where to start with this one. Virtualia Episode 6 Lost in Sex is what happens when you combine Silence of the Lambs, The Cell and hardcore pornography together. The result is understandably a bit of a trainwreck. Virtualia (Lynn Stone) really has nothing to do with the story which follows Mr. Pearl Jam the Ace Detective as he attempts to find a kidnapped girl before she dies by exploring the devious mind of the comatose serial killer (Vin Diesel on opiates). Not funny enough for you? How about we throw in a lot of pock-marked Euro guys, a gaggle of seamless, shaved bimboclams and about 10 hours of miserable voiceover blasphemy? Yeah, if you squint, it's pretty funny. And how can you argue with lines like "That must turn him on. That is necrophilia"?
While the story falls like a bird on fire, the sex in Lost in Sex is about as top notch as Private ever puts out. All the ladies here are sassy hardbodies with their shaved or nearly shaved tidbits nicely powdered and smooth. (I forgot to check their teeth, sorry.) Like all good Private girls, these ladies are prone to being porked in the shitcans for excessive amounts of time. No complaints. The film looks as clean as the crotches and you won't miss out on any of the action. After two humpy pumpy scenes, it's back to the squat-n-shit plot. Imagine the creepy puppet sequences in The Cell played out with an extremely low budget. Actually, it was still a bit creepy.
Back to the sex, slick Lisa sixty-nines Aisha while ultra-suede blone Tiffany dukes it out with a dream dude (before she gets smothered with a pillow and dies. heh). Lynn Stone finally sees some cock, even if it is Mr. Pearl Jam, who I guarentee you don't want to see naked. Luckily, his face usually gets cut out so you can enjoy the skilled penis-sucking (a real rarity in Europorn) as well as the heaping pile of anal sex that follows. In the end, Lynn returns for a fourway with no foreplay - all her pretty little holes become saturated with unholiness. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you might even sport a bulge down below.
So, find some humor in the god-awful storyline and enjoy the sex. Don't get lost.
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DVD Features Include: cast profiles | digital stereo sound | direct access to chapters | fully interactive menus | making of | parental lock | photobook | production notes | trailers
Cooter the counting cactus says that you are smutmonkey number 3268 to read this Rancho Review.
DATE POSTED: 08-01-2002